America is in crisis. We need a leader. One who will once again make our country a shining city on a hill. While speculation abounds as to who will run and who won’t, I’m getting in early. That is why today I announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America.
No one who aspired to our nation’s highest office could boast of humbler roots. I was born in a log cabin that I built with my own two hands. My father worked 15, 20 sometimes 25 hour days just to put arugula on the table.
We were poor. We lacked the amenities so many Americans take for granted. In our house one wouldn’t find computers, cable television or air. While a millionaire like Al Gore was inventing the internet and John McCain was inventing the blackberry, I invented photosynthesis just so my family could breathe.
Like many Americans I am devoted to my faith. It sickens and appalls me that my opponents have resorted to religious bigotry in an effort to scare the American people. Some of them have labelled me a “fundamentalist” others refer to me as an “extremist”. Like most Americans I am devoted to my faith. I’ve spent years upon years studying it; sometimes for days without end. I can assure the American people that the only “extreme” amount of hedonism is none.
Some of my detractors even claim that hedonism isn’t really a religion. To those critics I say: it is the way I practice it.
I will make America strong again. Under my predecessors, we’ve fought a war on poverty and failed. We’ve waged war on illiteracy and failed. We declared war on pornography…well, I don’t know that we need to win the war on pornography, but you get my point.
I will be tough on crime and even tougher on the causes of crime. But this isn’t about racial profiling. Read my lips: my administration will win the War on Drugs. Just like Alexander the Great led from the front, I will do so in this battle. If need be I will personally go to every cannabis field, set fire to every plant and stand there personally until every last leaf is consumed. Just like George Bush vowed to “smoke evildoers out of their holes” I will smoke the drug dealers out of their drugs.
My foreign policy will be tough, yet sensitive. I’ve learned from the mistakes of other world leaders. Many Japanese Prime Ministers have offended their neighbors by visiting the Yasukuni Shrine. As it commemorates 14 Class A War Criminals, I’m sympathetic to the international community’s objections. That is why I assure the American people that I will not do anything that raises a similar outcry. Read my lips: I will not visit the Yasukuni Shrine. Again. This week.
I support a robust economy. Many politicians talk about “stimulus methods” to ensure economic growth. They don’t go far enough. I will not hesitate to use “harsh” stimulus methods. If the economy doesn’t grow by 10% a year, I will empower the Treasury to have it water boarded. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll sign the Executive Order to marry it off to a professional football player.
This campaign will be dirty. My opponents will resort to vile methods to impugn my good name. Expect to hear lies, calumny and rumors. Some of these rumors will, no doubt, be accompanied by incontrovertible video and audio evidence. I’ve been very candid with the American people about some of my youthful indiscretions. I’m not the same person I was ten years ago, or two weeks ago, or just prior to making this announcement.
My friends, as you know, I’ve often been compared to Abraham Lincoln. It’s not because we’ve both enjoyed dating insane women. It’s not because we’ve both practiced law without a license. It’s because I understand the awesome power of the American presidency. And doggone it: I want in. I thank you for your time, I need your support and Intelligent Design bless America!