Holiday Wishes from Kevin Stephany

This year I’m very grateful to all the people who took the time to read my blog. I’d especially like to thank my writing partner for talking me into doing one. I felt very leery about the project at first. I always worried that I’d put something in writing that would offend someone or get me into trouble.

With that acknowledgement, I feel obligated to wish all my friends in the blogosphere a Happy Holiday Season. In the interest of not upsetting anybody or causing anyone to feel slighted, I shall try to be as thorough as possible.

To my Christian friends: I wish you a very Merry Christmas.

To my Christian friends who experience a tinge of guilt while celebrating a Christian holiday among people who don’t practice the faith: Happy Holidays.

To my Jewish friends: I wish you a Happy Hanukkah.

To my friends in the Islamic community: I am a bit late, so allow me to be the first to wish you a solemn and dignified Ramadan for next year.

Having grown up in the Western world, those are the faiths I’m most familiar with. Now it gets a little tougher.

To my agnostic friends: I don’t know whether or not I should wish you anything. I don’t know if it matters to you, for that matter.

To my atheistic friends: I don’t believe I should wish you anything.

To my friends who worship the dark lord Lucifer: I wish you would burn in Hell; and I mean that in the nicest possible way.

To my hedonistic friends: every day is your Christmas. I can’t think of anything I could possibly say to you that would make your day any better.

To my female friends in the hedonistic community: if you’re looking for a New Year’s resolution I wish you would resolve to return my calls.

To my snake handling friends: Sssssssssss. Sssssssssssss.

To my narcissistic friends: I wish you the greatest of happiness. I also wish you wouldn’t block my view of the mirror.

To my friends who worship reason and logic: I wish you many hours of peace in your lonely solitude.

To my friends who worship the “almighty dollar”: I wish you would realize it’s time to “convert” to the Euro.

And to anyone else I left off this list: have a nice day.